Why I HATED the Super Bowl
DISCLAIMER: This opinion piece was written by Derek after binge eating chicken wings and staying up for nearly 24 hours straight watching Richard Sherman interviews. The following was pieced together via torn napkin pieces and tear stained paper plates.
Unless you are a Seattle Seahawks fan or anybody who roots for an AFC West team, your reaction to the Super Bowl may have been similar to mine.
The lopsided ass-kicking that Seattle gave Denver lacked interest for so many reasons. It was evident early on it was going to be one of the less memorable games. But after I was done watching, I felt something I had not felt in some time: hatred for having wasted my Sunday watching a football game. Hatred? Boredom is understandable and so is disgust with the Broncos performance, but hate? I couldn’t grasp that, which caused me to dive deep into why I hated it so much. My fragile psyche was extraordinarily perplexed by my hatred of the biggest football game of the year. I mean…I AM a sports guy. Rarely do I ever watch an event that makes me walk away saying that I “hated it”. It intrigued me, so I did what any rational person would do in this situation: I watched it twice. During my nightmarish second lap on a Merry-Go-Round that just wouldn’t stop, I soon realized why I hated the biggest game of the year. Let’s break it down.
But first, some confessions. Let me start off by admitting that I am a fan of the Arizona Cardinals, so I instantly am anti-Seattle. My second team has always been the Broncos because…well, it’s my mom’s team. So strike 2 against a Seattle win. Of course I am already on my way to hating a game where the team I am partially rooting for is beat down so bad, right? Believe it or not, this had very little to do with it. So I moved on. It also didn’t have much to do with the fact that I publicly picked the Broncos to win, because I’ve been wrong so many times that even I don’t listen to me. The experiment continued.
I wasn’t angry about the Broncos play; I was embarrassed for them. Watching the beginning of the game again knowing that the botched snap fumble for a safety was only the tip of the iceberg did not make me nearly as uncomfortable as the Maserati commercial during the first half that led me to believe they’re attempting to take over the world. The Seahawks did have so many things go right for them, but not enough that made me feel life is as unfair as the fact that some people can afford to own the Maserati in the previous statement and I will forever own Hondas sold by Bruce Willis who has no idea what the definition of a “good game” is. Yes, the terrible commercials got to me, but after a while they were so bad and ridiculous that they became a form of entertainment akin to B-rated horror movies. My night progressed.
I did fast forward through most of the halftime and 3rd quarter on my second lap because I was feeling nauseous, and I soon realized that I have seen teams I’ve loved lose and still walked away feeling that I saw a great game between the two best teams in the league. I’ve even watched blowout losses and felt there was more interesting moments and takeaways than this game even began to provide. But then I thought “When was the last time I saw one of those this season?” In fact, all season long I could only remember one game that compared to this Super Bowl margin of victory: It was a 38-0 drumming the Carolina Panthers gave the New York Giants at home in week 3.
And there it was.
In that moment, it all made sense. I realized why I had so much disdain for this year’s Super Bowl. It had nothing to do with the fact that every single one of the commercials with the exception of a handful were awful. I didn’t even really mind the halftime show, which is new for me. In fact, compared to the game, it was downright enjoyable. But the reason why I hated the Super Bowl is that it ended a tremendous NFL season of high drama, exciting moments, and phenomenally competitive games with such a fizzle.
The Super Bowl was in fact the loud, stinky fart that comes after a really good meal in a really nice restaurant. It wasn’t funny, it was hard to take, and it could definitely clear a room.
It’s sad that the amazing season that was 2013 will historically be diminished by the blowout loss by the Broncos in the Super Bowl. Don’t get me wrong. All of the great moments will be held on to by players and fans. The accomplishments of the teams and players will not be forgotten. But when we look back on the nice dinner we had and the beautiful place where we had it, what will we remember? The delicateness of the beef wellington, or will we remember the loud stinky fart that cleared the room? I’m guessing the latter.
You can follow Derek on Twitter @Cap_Kaveman. You’ve been warned.